Balancing my work life/gym life has been a bit of a struggle over the last few weeks, but with the festive season upon us, and the ever replenishing fishbowl of chocolates on the reception desk at work, I should probably get back into the habit of it.
One remarkable thing I have noticed about my new life, is the striking similarity between the behaviour of the general public in the gym... and on the commute to London.
1. Thou shalt never be next to others. Unless you thou hast no choice.
On public transport, you must pick the empty seats first. But only the ones in pairs, threes, fours or sixes. You must be alone. No matter how much you yearn for companionship when you're tired and achey, you must be alone.
In the gym, you
NEVER run, press, cycle, sit, stretch or pump on a machine next to another human being when there are other machines much further away available.
In both situations, you are desperate to read someone's paper over their shoulder, or see how high their tension is on their bike or how far they've run in the same time as you. But you can't. If you don't know them you must abide by the toilet stall rule - Alternate until you have no choice.
2. Thou shalt never discuss thine common purpose.
This one particularly bugs me. I see hundreds of people every morning on my way to work. I see many people each time I go to the gym at varying times of day. It bugs me that I don't know where they came from or where they're going. Whether they're in a good mood or what their goals are.
What is even worse is that you all have one gigantic thing in common. You are ON A TRAIN. You are IN A GYM. But you can't discuss it. It's as though it's some sort of huge, dark taboo.Sometimes our train comes to a halt. I sit there silently on the C2C Twitter feed, and by this point even the driver doesn't know what's going on, but I am happily up to date. Or if I received a last minute email detailing a class cancellation that no one else has seen, I feel I can't share that information. It is just for me. Alone.
3. When the silence is broken, thou shalt struggle to function socially.
When the barrier of silence is broken. Usually when the gym instructor has worked you really hard, or the water fountain is broken. Or a train is cancelled so it's packed and someone wants you to "move down the train", conversation just fails to flow.
I never have nothing to say, or struggle to come up with a conversation topic. But when confronting a strange at the gym or on the train, I say things that wouldn't even be in the first draft of a thought process, and probably make me sound like I have never spoken to a human being before. Things like "Why is she making us do this?" - "Some people are so moody" - and "Sorry I didn't mean to fondle you" are things that don't generally need to be said, let alone to complete strangers who don't speak.
4. Thou shalt always feel like you're doing it wrong.
Whether it's because you don't use the overhead luggage compartments or bring a towel with you, there is always someone that seems to have the system cracked that little bit better than you. These are the people who don't get sweat in their eyes and don't elbow people in the face when trying to re-robe at their destination. They don't stand up too early, nor do they pick weights that are too heavy for them.
Luckily there's always a busty lady with no sports bra, or a shopping with six bags balanced on their lap to make you feel superior.
5. Thou shalt always be the most important person in the room.
Whether you were there first or not was irrelevant. That is your seat, your ticket barrier, your weights machine or your favourite position in the fitness studio. You are definitely entitled to be annoyed at the woman who has placed herself in front of the ITV4 film on the TV, leaving you stuck in front of Sky Sports. And you can definitely tut at the person who accidentally mis-swipes their Oyster card in front of you. Don't they know who you are? Who cares if you're the one going the wrong way down the stairs? Who cares if that person is also spending over £40 a month to be there? You are there and you wanted to do it.
6. Thou shalt be passive aggressive.
That's right, you subtly move to the left so you can regain your studio territory. You cough loudly until they stop in the middle of their set. You accidentally elbow the person who is practically standing on your foot or not moving down the carriage. Never tell them what's wrong. Don't smile or ask them to move slightly, or when they'll be finished. Use body language that is obviously to yourself and no one else, and be annoyed when your subtly does not yield results.
7. Thou shalt judge those who do not know how to comport themselves.
Much like the lady who will consistently work up a dripping sweat before going to a class that uses shared equipment, there was also a man on my train who not only weirdly snuggled under a strangers armpit, but moved backwards to let someone through, whilst leaving his arm on the pole so the person had to limbo underneath their arm. People do odd things on a daily basis, but in the gym and during the commute, when everyone is silent and you have little to do but observe to distract yourself, so here their behaviour sticks out more. And my judgement of those people also increases. It's irrelevant if I look like panting sweaty mess who elbows people because she didn't stand up before putting her coat on, what other people do is always that little bit more questionable...
8. Thou shalt not accept change.
Do not delay my train. Do not change the times of my favourite gym classes. End of.
