The
original day for our Spa day was in January. But of course it snowed so we
couldn’t go. So we rearranged it for the end of February. And it snowed. But it
wasn’t too detrimental, just a mildly amusing anecdote.
So we
packed up our little bags with all the things they tell you to take, slippers,
flip flops, dressing gowns, towels etc. And
heading on our relaxing Spaventure.
Arriving
was fairly straight forward, we arrived and signed in and were shown to the
changing rooms. Mistake number one was not paying even the remotest bit of
attention to the journey to the changing room. Mistake number two was not
noticing where the door was. Mistake number three was not asking what we should
wear in the Spa.
Spa
Etiquette Query 1: Does
one ask when one is not sure what to wear in the spa?
After opting
for leggings, a vest and dressing gown/slippers, we headed back to the spa. We
took at least three circuits of the changing rooms before realising there was
only one way out, even though we didn’t recognise the route and there were
DEFINITELY NOT badminton courts on the way out (there were: hence mistake
number one).
I can’t
remember who Lauren’s lady was, but mine was Frankie and she was very sweet and
would have slotted perfectly into the TOWIE cast, or an outtake of Snog, Marry,
Avoid. Either way we sat on strangely comfortable mosaic chairs and waited to
be summoned.
Spa
Etiquette Query 2: Is
laughter permitted?
Then the
separation occurred. I don’t know whether it would have been more or less
awkward if we had been in the same room, but at least we could have consulted
each other on the confusing aspects of preparing for a treatment:
Spa
Etiquette Query 3: How
long will you actually leave the room
for? (this is important as I derobed then realised I still had my glasses on –
never run so fast in my life)
Spa
Etiquette Query 4: Which
way do I lie down? (This was a moment of blondeness, I should have realised
that “Face up” was necessary for a facial but it’s hard to think straight when
your boobs are out)
Spa
Etiquette Query 5: what
way round does the towel go?
So begins
the treatments. A lovely facial (she put so many things on my face I’m
surprised I’m not just a walking cream now), a nice head massage (oil was an
error. Such. Greasy. Hair.) Followed by a chocolate massage.
One thing I
did not mention about Frankie was
that... she was... a little... familiar with Gregg’s... During my whole facial
she was banging on about how good the chocolate smelled and I was mostly
thinking “Oh how lovely, I can’t wait” And yes, it did smell fantastic.
And then
the absolute unimaginable happened.
Halfway
through the massage – I was covered in chocolate, feeling relaxed and was half
naked. Frankie said the phrase
“OOhh I
could just lick your back”
I *Wish*
this was a lie. An exaggeration. Something I said in my own head, but it was
not. With no Lorraine to laugh with me I was stunned into silence and a quiet
squeal of “I’d rather you didn’t” and then attempted to relax for the rest of
the massage.
I decided
to let it slide because Frankie was very sweet, and not a terrifying man or
someone I would have ever pegged as a sex pest, but I was quite glad when the
whole experience (or “Ordeal” as I think it now classifies) was over.
Spa
Etiquette Query 6: How
long is too long and therefore weird to get re-robe after a treatment? Will
they think you’re doing something bizarre if you take too long, or think you’re
unclean if you’re too quick? How can you tell how long you’ve been when there
are no clocks and you head is fuzzy from the smell of chocolate and low
lighting?
The rest of
the day was met with laughter and joy. We obeyed the rules and didn’t go in the
Jacuzzi for over 30 minutes after the treatment (perfect time for a cider and
fried breakfast), however we sweated (swat?) the 20 litres of product the second
we walked into the pool area and had to have a break to wash the sting out of
our eyes.
Would I do
it again? Of course, but only if I could rectify the mistakes, have solid
answers to my 6 etiquette queries from an experienced Spa- Goer and not have a
the chubby girl/food treatment combination.
