She called it "Christmas Combat", even though the real "Christmas Combat" is on Monday. I felt cheated.
But this week Body Combat featured some truly horrific countdowns, and believe me there were no festive pictures of chocolates behind the door.
Seriously, who counts things down from 32!? I'm having to adjust my positioning so I can type without lifting my elbows after completing 64 punches and around 128 high knees.
She did offer us Quality Street at the end but seeing as half my internal organs felt like they were in the wrong place I thought I'd better give it a miss until they had settled and I wouldn't accidentally swallow a toffee into my kidneys.
Owwee.
Friday 21 December 2012
Tuesday 18 December 2012
On the second gym of Christmas, Virgin gave to me... Will Power and Grace™
Two things I have very little of.
This class is new, to me, because it has literally never been listed as a class online or on the wall timetable - yet apparently it's been running for a year and today was the last day to try it. Lucky me, eh?
The online picture gave it three sweat drops, so I figured it would be tough. And I was not disappointed.
There were only four of us taking the class, which apparently is the magic number for breaking down the fourth wall. One lady told me all I'd need were my bare feet, which luckily I had with me, so I stripped off my trainers and socks and was immediately ashamed of my chipped, green toe nail vanish.
I found a spot between the little pile of mud and a pool of what I hope was not sweat, and waited to "rock and roll" as the instructor chirpily announced.
I'm not sure what I was expected. Possibly a lively, slightly homosexual comedy romp. Possibly an aerobics class with some ab work. But a body conditioning/pilates/ballet class combo was definitely not that. Seriously the instructor must be built like a rock, and she was unbelievably Grace™ful. There were a lot of squats and lunges in there, with extra crazy things like lifting your heels from the floor whilst in the squat position. And something I was actually very good because it resembled when you have both hands on red on a Twister™ mat and then you have to put your feet on red as well. I never thought my slight obsession with bringing out the Twister™ mat would finally pay off one day.
Being able to see myself in the mirror from various angles (including the the corner of the mirror where the illusion was that my reflection was doing the opposite to me... weird) completely confirmed I have as much Grace™ as an Ent and I certainly lack muscle length in my legs. I'd say my Willpower™ is passable though.
The class got harder and harder and I don't think I've ever experienced happiness like the moment she said "We only have ten minutes left" and I realised it was a 45 minutes class, not a 60 minute class.
At the moment I feel pretty nifty but the chances of me being able to walk tomorrow are virtually zero. Luckily office Christmas party wine will no doubt loosen me up.
Class gets 8/10. It would have got 9 had it not been a ghost class that no longer exists.
This class is new, to me, because it has literally never been listed as a class online or on the wall timetable - yet apparently it's been running for a year and today was the last day to try it. Lucky me, eh?
The online picture gave it three sweat drops, so I figured it would be tough. And I was not disappointed.
There were only four of us taking the class, which apparently is the magic number for breaking down the fourth wall. One lady told me all I'd need were my bare feet, which luckily I had with me, so I stripped off my trainers and socks and was immediately ashamed of my chipped, green toe nail vanish.
I found a spot between the little pile of mud and a pool of what I hope was not sweat, and waited to "rock and roll" as the instructor chirpily announced.
I'm not sure what I was expected. Possibly a lively, slightly homosexual comedy romp. Possibly an aerobics class with some ab work. But a body conditioning/pilates/ballet class combo was definitely not that. Seriously the instructor must be built like a rock, and she was unbelievably Grace™ful. There were a lot of squats and lunges in there, with extra crazy things like lifting your heels from the floor whilst in the squat position. And something I was actually very good because it resembled when you have both hands on red on a Twister™ mat and then you have to put your feet on red as well. I never thought my slight obsession with bringing out the Twister™ mat would finally pay off one day.
Being able to see myself in the mirror from various angles (including the the corner of the mirror where the illusion was that my reflection was doing the opposite to me... weird) completely confirmed I have as much Grace™ as an Ent and I certainly lack muscle length in my legs. I'd say my Willpower™ is passable though.
The class got harder and harder and I don't think I've ever experienced happiness like the moment she said "We only have ten minutes left" and I realised it was a 45 minutes class, not a 60 minute class.
At the moment I feel pretty nifty but the chances of me being able to walk tomorrow are virtually zero. Luckily office Christmas party wine will no doubt loosen me up.
Class gets 8/10. It would have got 9 had it not been a ghost class that no longer exists.
Thursday 13 December 2012
On the first Gym of Christmas, Virgin gave to me... A Megafix Workout Workout
As an introduction, I am going to attempt to go to the gym 12 times between now and the 12th of Jan, roughly one month. And I shall blog for everytime I go.
The Thursday 7am Body Conditioning class is the only one I can go to before work, all the rest don't give enough time for me to resume my usual professional look and carry on to work afterwards. Or so I think. Lots of people go to the gym before work, or even during lunch time, and they come back looking as if nothing has changed. I'm still glowing red when I get into the office, I can't usually put a cardigan on because I'm too warm for cardigan and coat (yes, even in this weather), and don't get me started on my hair. How these women do it I have no idea - is there a class I can go to?
So back to the First Gym of Christmas. This is a very odd body conditioning class. The instructor is absolutely lovely and introduced herself by name at the beginning and definitely didn't remember my name, but she's lovely. She's a tad scary looking - a bit like an anorexic, smiley Mystic Meg, but I can let that slide. The class is bizarre though. She uses these CDs she gets once a month which I think are called Megafix Workout Workout CDs... but I could be wrong. They take you through sets of exercises, repeat them and give you some rest time. It's one of those classes thats tough enough to make you feel like you've worked hard, but not hard enough to make you feel like you're dying for the rest of the day.
My main issue is that I have no idea what the exercises are called. Some are okay "Sprint in place" and "Side lunges" are ok... But what the hell are "Burpies" and "Side crabs"? Among other things I mishear so badly that she could be telling me to anally probe the person in front for all I know.
I can't help but thing this method of work out is a bit of a cheat, however knowing there's only going to be a set number of workout sets, and knowing you get a 25 second break every 3.5 minutes is the sort of hope that we pre-work gym troopers must cling on to.
The Thursday 7am Body Conditioning class is the only one I can go to before work, all the rest don't give enough time for me to resume my usual professional look and carry on to work afterwards. Or so I think. Lots of people go to the gym before work, or even during lunch time, and they come back looking as if nothing has changed. I'm still glowing red when I get into the office, I can't usually put a cardigan on because I'm too warm for cardigan and coat (yes, even in this weather), and don't get me started on my hair. How these women do it I have no idea - is there a class I can go to?
So back to the First Gym of Christmas. This is a very odd body conditioning class. The instructor is absolutely lovely and introduced herself by name at the beginning and definitely didn't remember my name, but she's lovely. She's a tad scary looking - a bit like an anorexic, smiley Mystic Meg, but I can let that slide. The class is bizarre though. She uses these CDs she gets once a month which I think are called Megafix Workout Workout CDs... but I could be wrong. They take you through sets of exercises, repeat them and give you some rest time. It's one of those classes thats tough enough to make you feel like you've worked hard, but not hard enough to make you feel like you're dying for the rest of the day.
My main issue is that I have no idea what the exercises are called. Some are okay "Sprint in place" and "Side lunges" are ok... But what the hell are "Burpies" and "Side crabs"? Among other things I mishear so badly that she could be telling me to anally probe the person in front for all I know.
I can't help but thing this method of work out is a bit of a cheat, however knowing there's only going to be a set number of workout sets, and knowing you get a 25 second break every 3.5 minutes is the sort of hope that we pre-work gym troopers must cling on to.
Wednesday 12 December 2012
The Eight Commandments of the Gym Commute
Balancing my work life/gym life has been a bit of a struggle over the last few weeks, but with the festive season upon us, and the ever replenishing fishbowl of chocolates on the reception desk at work, I should probably get back into the habit of it.
One remarkable thing I have noticed about my new life, is the striking similarity between the behaviour of the general public in the gym... and on the commute to London.
1. Thou shalt never be next to others. Unless you thou hast no choice.
On public transport, you must pick the empty seats first. But only the ones in pairs, threes, fours or sixes. You must be alone. No matter how much you yearn for companionship when you're tired and achey, you must be alone.
In the gym, you NEVER run, press, cycle, sit, stretch or pump on a machine next to another human being when there are other machines much further away available.
In both situations, you are desperate to read someone's paper over their shoulder, or see how high their tension is on their bike or how far they've run in the same time as you. But you can't. If you don't know them you must abide by the toilet stall rule - Alternate until you have no choice.
2. Thou shalt never discuss thine common purpose.
This one particularly bugs me. I see hundreds of people every morning on my way to work. I see many people each time I go to the gym at varying times of day. It bugs me that I don't know where they came from or where they're going. Whether they're in a good mood or what their goals are.
What is even worse is that you all have one gigantic thing in common. You are ON A TRAIN. You are IN A GYM. But you can't discuss it. It's as though it's some sort of huge, dark taboo.Sometimes our train comes to a halt. I sit there silently on the C2C Twitter feed, and by this point even the driver doesn't know what's going on, but I am happily up to date. Or if I received a last minute email detailing a class cancellation that no one else has seen, I feel I can't share that information. It is just for me. Alone.
3. When the silence is broken, thou shalt struggle to function socially.
When the barrier of silence is broken. Usually when the gym instructor has worked you really hard, or the water fountain is broken. Or a train is cancelled so it's packed and someone wants you to "move down the train", conversation just fails to flow.
I never have nothing to say, or struggle to come up with a conversation topic. But when confronting a strange at the gym or on the train, I say things that wouldn't even be in the first draft of a thought process, and probably make me sound like I have never spoken to a human being before. Things like "Why is she making us do this?" - "Some people are so moody" - and "Sorry I didn't mean to fondle you" are things that don't generally need to be said, let alone to complete strangers who don't speak.
4. Thou shalt always feel like you're doing it wrong.
Whether it's because you don't use the overhead luggage compartments or bring a towel with you, there is always someone that seems to have the system cracked that little bit better than you. These are the people who don't get sweat in their eyes and don't elbow people in the face when trying to re-robe at their destination. They don't stand up too early, nor do they pick weights that are too heavy for them.
Luckily there's always a busty lady with no sports bra, or a shopping with six bags balanced on their lap to make you feel superior.
5. Thou shalt always be the most important person in the room.
Whether you were there first or not was irrelevant. That is your seat, your ticket barrier, your weights machine or your favourite position in the fitness studio. You are definitely entitled to be annoyed at the woman who has placed herself in front of the ITV4 film on the TV, leaving you stuck in front of Sky Sports. And you can definitely tut at the person who accidentally mis-swipes their Oyster card in front of you. Don't they know who you are? Who cares if you're the one going the wrong way down the stairs? Who cares if that person is also spending over £40 a month to be there? You are there and you wanted to do it.
6. Thou shalt be passive aggressive.
That's right, you subtly move to the left so you can regain your studio territory. You cough loudly until they stop in the middle of their set. You accidentally elbow the person who is practically standing on your foot or not moving down the carriage. Never tell them what's wrong. Don't smile or ask them to move slightly, or when they'll be finished. Use body language that is obviously to yourself and no one else, and be annoyed when your subtly does not yield results.
7. Thou shalt judge those who do not know how to comport themselves.
Much like the lady who will consistently work up a dripping sweat before going to a class that uses shared equipment, there was also a man on my train who not only weirdly snuggled under a strangers armpit, but moved backwards to let someone through, whilst leaving his arm on the pole so the person had to limbo underneath their arm. People do odd things on a daily basis, but in the gym and during the commute, when everyone is silent and you have little to do but observe to distract yourself, so here their behaviour sticks out more. And my judgement of those people also increases. It's irrelevant if I look like panting sweaty mess who elbows people because she didn't stand up before putting her coat on, what other people do is always that little bit more questionable...
8. Thou shalt not accept change.
Do not delay my train. Do not change the times of my favourite gym classes. End of.
One remarkable thing I have noticed about my new life, is the striking similarity between the behaviour of the general public in the gym... and on the commute to London.
1. Thou shalt never be next to others. Unless you thou hast no choice.
On public transport, you must pick the empty seats first. But only the ones in pairs, threes, fours or sixes. You must be alone. No matter how much you yearn for companionship when you're tired and achey, you must be alone.
In the gym, you NEVER run, press, cycle, sit, stretch or pump on a machine next to another human being when there are other machines much further away available.
In both situations, you are desperate to read someone's paper over their shoulder, or see how high their tension is on their bike or how far they've run in the same time as you. But you can't. If you don't know them you must abide by the toilet stall rule - Alternate until you have no choice.
2. Thou shalt never discuss thine common purpose.
This one particularly bugs me. I see hundreds of people every morning on my way to work. I see many people each time I go to the gym at varying times of day. It bugs me that I don't know where they came from or where they're going. Whether they're in a good mood or what their goals are.
What is even worse is that you all have one gigantic thing in common. You are ON A TRAIN. You are IN A GYM. But you can't discuss it. It's as though it's some sort of huge, dark taboo.Sometimes our train comes to a halt. I sit there silently on the C2C Twitter feed, and by this point even the driver doesn't know what's going on, but I am happily up to date. Or if I received a last minute email detailing a class cancellation that no one else has seen, I feel I can't share that information. It is just for me. Alone.
3. When the silence is broken, thou shalt struggle to function socially.
When the barrier of silence is broken. Usually when the gym instructor has worked you really hard, or the water fountain is broken. Or a train is cancelled so it's packed and someone wants you to "move down the train", conversation just fails to flow.
I never have nothing to say, or struggle to come up with a conversation topic. But when confronting a strange at the gym or on the train, I say things that wouldn't even be in the first draft of a thought process, and probably make me sound like I have never spoken to a human being before. Things like "Why is she making us do this?" - "Some people are so moody" - and "Sorry I didn't mean to fondle you" are things that don't generally need to be said, let alone to complete strangers who don't speak.
4. Thou shalt always feel like you're doing it wrong.
Whether it's because you don't use the overhead luggage compartments or bring a towel with you, there is always someone that seems to have the system cracked that little bit better than you. These are the people who don't get sweat in their eyes and don't elbow people in the face when trying to re-robe at their destination. They don't stand up too early, nor do they pick weights that are too heavy for them.
Luckily there's always a busty lady with no sports bra, or a shopping with six bags balanced on their lap to make you feel superior.
5. Thou shalt always be the most important person in the room.
Whether you were there first or not was irrelevant. That is your seat, your ticket barrier, your weights machine or your favourite position in the fitness studio. You are definitely entitled to be annoyed at the woman who has placed herself in front of the ITV4 film on the TV, leaving you stuck in front of Sky Sports. And you can definitely tut at the person who accidentally mis-swipes their Oyster card in front of you. Don't they know who you are? Who cares if you're the one going the wrong way down the stairs? Who cares if that person is also spending over £40 a month to be there? You are there and you wanted to do it.
6. Thou shalt be passive aggressive.
That's right, you subtly move to the left so you can regain your studio territory. You cough loudly until they stop in the middle of their set. You accidentally elbow the person who is practically standing on your foot or not moving down the carriage. Never tell them what's wrong. Don't smile or ask them to move slightly, or when they'll be finished. Use body language that is obviously to yourself and no one else, and be annoyed when your subtly does not yield results.
7. Thou shalt judge those who do not know how to comport themselves.
Much like the lady who will consistently work up a dripping sweat before going to a class that uses shared equipment, there was also a man on my train who not only weirdly snuggled under a strangers armpit, but moved backwards to let someone through, whilst leaving his arm on the pole so the person had to limbo underneath their arm. People do odd things on a daily basis, but in the gym and during the commute, when everyone is silent and you have little to do but observe to distract yourself, so here their behaviour sticks out more. And my judgement of those people also increases. It's irrelevant if I look like panting sweaty mess who elbows people because she didn't stand up before putting her coat on, what other people do is always that little bit more questionable...
8. Thou shalt not accept change.
Do not delay my train. Do not change the times of my favourite gym classes. End of.
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