The beginning

So I have now graduated, got myself a job and a proper grown up gym membership. I thought it would be insightful, amusing and altogether time filling to create a blog especially to document my gym going.
The purpose of this blog is two fold - both of those folds are entirely for me. However there might be some creases in which it provides entertainment to those who read it.
Fold one: It will help me improve my writing and blogging skills. I am still pretty new at this and I want to be the best I can be; what better way than to strip myself bare on the internet for the chastisement of billions?
Fold two: In turn, it will be a motivation for me to get off my butt and make the most of my gym membership. As much as I like to complain about exercise I do genuinely enjoy it (but don't tell anyone).

I know, I know what you're all thinking. Surely in a couple of months she'll get so good at the Zumba routines and can bench press 30 kg without smacking herself in the face with something so her blogs will be rendered boring. However, I can promise you, right here, right now; I have spent the last 22.5 years of my life an uncoordinated mess and I do not plan to give up the uncanny ability to make situations far more amusing or difficult than they needed to be.

So here goes:

Monday 30th July - Jeffery Joins the Jym


It was all surprisingly easy. I phoned up whilst still in my PJs with a bowl of cereal in one hand and a cup of tea in the other (phone balanced precariously on my ear like a hassled mother). I made an appointment, dressed myself, went to the gym, handed over my passport and bank details et voila! Membership.
My first sesh consisted of 10 minutes on a bike, 10 minutes on a cross trainer and some rowing. Which I gave up on after 750 m on the basis I'd forgotten to change the setting so I was actually pulling "10" instead of "5" like I usually do, so I figured it counted for double. Well I didn't want to over do it...

Wednesday 1st August  - Zumba


Okay so this was not my first Zumba classes. The ones I have attended have been taken by a lovely, talented dancer with rock hard abs and an infallible smile. This doesn't so much for your self esteem, so I was quite pleased when the fitness instructor was what I would term normal sized. I had also recruited my good friend Collette* (*name changed to protect the innocent) along to keep me company; and while she is vastly skinnier and more elegant than myself, she is also about as coordinated as a teaspoon so we made excellent Zumba buddies. The routines were probably slightly more aerobic (which is good considering my usual Zumba complaint is that its fun but not much of a workout), however: NO GRAPEVINE. How do these people expect me to have any sort of grounding to base the rest of my Latino-style hip bumping around if there is NO GRAPEVINE? If this continues I may have to write a letter.

Overall the class was fun, and there were little to no mishaps. There was a move that involved squatting and body popping which made me feel like an extra to Step Up 4 (Coming to a theatre near you!), although I'm sure that my casting video would have made the blooper reel. I would give it a 6/10.

Thursday 2nd August - Step


So today I braved Step class (alone, I shall point out, as Collette and Lorraine abandoned me). The room was smaller, and sunlight was allowed in, and like a rookie I went to the back... In direct sunlight. Definite error.

Luckily the format of the class was what I was used to, three parts of a routine that will confuse the hell out of you and be put together at the end when you can't even remember what your name is let alone the steps of the first third of the routine. This class is most definitely a work out for the brain, especially when the "Titles" of the sections are "Step over", "Curl over" and "Side step" which are not dissimilar names OR Step... urm... steps.

What I was not prepared for, however, is the extra FIFTEEN minutes, in which you are forced to do the full routine over and over in different combinations. We had 11 22 33, 123 123 123 123, 123 321 123 321. Still following? I wasn't. I think by the end, through the absolute exhaustion I managed to get about 90% of the routine "right". The use of inverted commas here denotes my absolute lack of grace and skill: What I mean is 90% of the time I stepped at the same time as everyone else.

But that's what you expect to not be prepared for in a Step class. What no one can prepare you for is the fact your instructor is around 8 months pregnant and full of energy. Halfway through the session I found myself wanting to angrily shout "NO, YOU HOLD IN YOUR FRIGGING STOMACH YOU FAT BITCH". But luckily I was too busy seeing stars and being blinded by my own sweat to even utter a "woohoo" when she so vigorously demanded one. For the rest of the time I was just convinced she was about to burst her poor, mangled foetus everywhere. Then to my complete surprise, she announced "Right, time for Pirates" and whacked on an upbeat remix of the Pirates of the Caribbean theme tune for us to do the routine to. That was a low point of the hour.

I would give this class an 8/10. It felt properly worked out and felt good after; but the steps were too repetitive and samey to be able to follow the routine properly. Plus, still no grapevine. Sigh.